Have you ever tried packing boxes, cleaning the rental, keeping the essentials out and making sure that the family is all content and happy and not feeling to up-ended and in a state of chaos.
Well I have just done it. We just moved.
Even this post I have been trying to write for 5 weeks now and I have to say that between unpacking, cleaning our home, re-organising furniture to get the right feel and painting I think i’ve had enough.
So for all of your who have recently moved or are moving I feel for you.
Now that we are settled in posting will resume - I hope you get a chance to have a good look around the site and find the information that works for you.
Crying is a normal event in the lives of all babies. When a baby comes out of the womb the first thing to do is cry. From the first cry they will take some air in to the lungs for the first time in their life. After delivery if the baby does not cry then it should be initiated by slightly pinching or gently stroking the feet. From this it is clear that the baby is healthy and it is a normal physiological event, still some times it can upset the mother or family members.
We all know that a baby can’t tell their needs or troubles in words. The only way for them to communicate with others is by crying. Babies show some other signs like feet kicking, hand waving and head turning etc. But the best way to receive the attention of others is by crying.
Excessive crying may not have a firm definition because the crying habit changes from baby to baby and some babies can be calmed easily but some are difficult to sooth. If crying is distressing for the mother, then it’s an idea to contact your midwife or go to a childhood center for advice. Many a times your baby will become quiet by giving breast milk or by carrying with a gentle rocking. Sudden onset of excessive crying means baby is distressed and needs attention. The causes of crying extends from simple reasons to life threatening conditions. Hence crying of a baby should not be ignored.
Most of the time it is difficult to find the cause of the cry. Common causes are discussed here for awareness.
Common reasons for crying:
Hunger:
A hungry baby will cry till he gets the milk. Here the old saying comes true ‘crying baby gets the milk’.
Wetting:
Urination and defecation causes some discomfort and results in crying till his parts are cleaned and made dry .
Company:
Majority of the kids need somebody near. If they feel lonely they cry. When their favourite doll slips away from the grip they cry for help. Have a look at their environment and see if anything has changed.
Tired:
When the baby is tired after a journey and unable to sleep then they cry because they are so over tired. It’s good to soothe your baby to sleep in this case. They can also feel tired in uncomfortable sourroundings and due to unhealthy climate.
Heat & cold:
If they feel too hot or too cold they become restless and cry. A child is comfortable in a room with good ventilation.
Tight clothing:
Tight cloths especially during warm climate is intolerable for babies and young children. Tight elastic of their clothing can also produce soreness in the hip region.
Dark room:
When the baby wakes up from sleep he needs some dim light. If there is darkness he will disturb the sleep of parents by crying. Of course he will be irritated by strong light resulting in crying. It’s an idea to have a dim light in a babies room on when they are sleeping to increase comfort.
Mosquito/bugs:
Yes, these creatures disturb the sleep of all of us with their constant buzzing over the head and biting. If you live in a Mosquito prone environment then ensure you have some kind of netting over the bed ensuring it is safe from little arms getting wrapped up.
Nasal blocking:
A child may not be able to sleep when they have a cold and will go on crying till the passage is open.
Phlegm in throat:
This also causes difficult breathing resulting in crying. Often a typical sound can be heard with each breath so you can tell if there is mucus in the breathway.
General aching:
Generalised body ache with restlessness is seen in the flu virus and prodromal stages of some infectious diseases can result in continuous cry.
Habitual cry:
Some babies cry without any real cause ending the parents in agony. If you have concerns about your babies crying always consult a professional for advice.
Nappy rash:
If a tight and wet nappy is kept for a long time the a baby can get nappy rash which cause itchiness and soreness. Rashes can also be due to some allergic reaction to the elastic material of the nappy. When the rash appears it causes soreness and baby become sleepless and cry. All other skin lesions like eczema, ecthyma, candidiasis etc also causes same problems.
Earache:
Ear infection is common in wet climates or if you haven’t dried your babies eyes if they fill with water during bathtime. The infection may also spread from the throat. Ear infection can result in rupture of ear drum causing discharge of pus. Eareaches usually becomes worse at night when lying down. Your child will become restless with crying and may not allow you to touch the ear. Some children with earaches rub the affected ear frequently.
Colic:
When the baby cries continuously most of us diagnose it as colic. This roblem is still a topic for debate because exact cause for colic is not known and diagnosis is also difficult to confirm. Colic may be associated with rumbling and distention of abdomen. Babies often feel better when lying on abdomen. ome children may not allow you to touch the abdomen. If the child cries continuously and you are concened seek professional support.
Infections:
All infections causes some kind of pain or irritation resulting in cry.Infection may be anywhere in the body.Usually it is associated with fever, redness and swelling.
Reactions to certain food:
It is said that one man’s food is another man’s poison. Some food articles can produce some allergic reactions. An allergy is manifested in the form of redness, breathlessness, gastric symptons and continuous cry. Please seek professional help if you believe your child is having an allergic reaction to a certain food or product and take that product with you.
Hard stools:
Constipated babies with hard stools may cry when they get the urge to move a stool and can’t. Some children hesitate to pass stool because of pain.
Gastro esophagial reflex:
A baby can cry with regurgitation of food after feeding. If this continues it may be due to gastroesophageal reflex. This is due to failure of the lower part of esophagus to close after food causing regurgitation from the stomach.
Dentition:
During dentition child becomes restless with crying. Often associated with gastric troubles and diarrhoea.
Some rare reasons
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Bowel obstruction:
Bowel obstruction is associated with severe pain and vomiting. Abdomen is distended with rumbling sound. Baby is constipated with absence of flatus.
Septicemia:
Invasion of pathogenic micro organisms in to the blood is called septicemia. Fever is associated with this condition.
Torsion of testes in male kids:
When a male baby cries continuously his scrotum should be examined. Torsion of the testes produce severe pain which will be worse by touching the affected testes. When the testes is pressed upwards pain is releived. If this is not treated properly it can damage the affected testes due to lack of blood supply.
Meningitis:
Initially there may not be fever, hence a crying baby with alternate vacant stare and irritability should not be ignored. Fontanel is bulging. Neck rigidity and seizures may appear later.
Retention of urine:
Children with retention of urine will have agonising pain making them restless.
Major injuries:
Major injury to any parts of the body causes pain. Occasionally babies and young children wil fall while trying to walk, or even bump themselves while crawling which can result in a head injury. Head injury is associated with reflex vomiting and convulsions.
Please with any concerns you have always seek professional help. Be it a naturopath, doctor, midwife, childcare center. It’s important you feel empowered being a parent and if you believe something is wrong then stand your ground and insist on tests and examinations. It’s better to spend time checking to ensure your baby is healthy.
The first step of your pregnancy, after seeing the little positive stick should to have it confirmed. Call immediately to have a pregnancy test done with your local doctor, you may be in luck and get in that same day or have to wait about a week or two. Patience will become your best friend during this time or your worst enemy, waiting can become a very hard thing when you want to know for sure whether you are or aren’t pregnant. More than likely you’ll get a phone call a few days later to confirm it.
Set up an appointment to see your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist or midwife as soon as possible, chances are you’ll be meeting his/her staff before you ever meet them. This is the first appointment where your doctor/midwife will want to know all your medical history. If you’ve been pregnant, what types of sicknesses run in your family, etc. If you can, try making sure you know all of this ahead of time, maybe even have it all down on paper so when he/she asks you are prepared. During the days or weeks leading up to this meeting you may have concerns, write them down and ask them. Believe it or not doctors are there to help you, and they’ve been asked every question you can possibly think of. Before leaving your doctor may even give you a bag full of goodies all about being pregnant. Read these, they may prove beneficial and not to mention they’ve got coupons. Your doctor will either give you another appointment or have you set one up before leaving. There are some great books out there if you are really worried about what will happen next or how birth is going to be, check them out at your local library.
Make sure that you get your prenatal vitamins, they are very important during pregnancy. If for some reason you can’t take them, talk with your doctor he/she may be able to prescribe a lower dosage or something else. You’ll get your first ultrasound around week 20, this is normally when you find out what sex the baby is. However some doctors like to call it safe and give you an ultrasound around 10-12 weeks just to make sure the baby is in the proper location and all is going well. You will also be asked to take an orange drink that you must drink in five minutes. You’ll wait around for an hour to three hours, at which point your blood gets drawn and you can go home. The test determines if you have or have a chance of getting gestational diabetes.
At first, your appointments will be about 4 weeks apart until you hit the 36 week and at that point it’ll be two weeks later and a week later after that until the baby is born. By now you should be preparing to have the baby. Yes, I’m sure you’ll have some anxiety towards the end of your pregnancy. You’ve went this far, it’s time you see your reward.
Being pregnant doesn’t mean you have to stop breastfeeding your child. Long ago people believed it actually took nutrients away from the baby inside you, however that is not the case. Even today we have people that believe this and they will argue with you the entire time. Only you can decide if you should stop breastfeeding your toddler or not. Don’t let someone else make that decision for you.
Reasons to Stop
A few reasons you might want to stop breastfeeding may be if you are feeling constantly drained of energy. Or maybe your child has started to bite. Sometimes your milk will just dry up, this is your body’s way of telling you that it has had enough and to take a break. Mastitis could play a big role in making you stop immediately as well. Mastitis is an infection in the breast when it isn’t expressed enough and gets engorged.
Stopping or Weaning
If you do plan on stopping because you are pregnant, make sure it is for the right reasons. If your child has reached a certain age, it might be best. But never just yank it away from them. Your child could wonder why it is being taken away. Wonder if they had done something or become discouraged about the new baby coming. Some children decide to wean themselves, which is a big help to you and you won’t feel so guilty about it. You can choose to do it cold turkey, or slowly wean him/her off. Cold turkey can have some bad results. Try limiting his/her feeding times to certain hours and gradually as time passes take away more. Your child will quickly stop on his/her own and it won’t be a traumatic event.
Continuing to Feed
If you do plan on continuing to breastfeed while you are pregnant, talk with your doctor or naturopath about it. Remember only you know what is best for your health and your babies health – so be aware that the people you see may not agree with your decision. Be ok with that and do what you feel in your heart is the best thing for you to do. Sometimes he/she may see something in your health that you don’t. Listen carefully and find out if it is a health reason or simply his/her own belief. If it is the doctors belief, you can always seek out one that agrees with you. Being pregnant is hard enough at times, knowing you have someone in your corner will relieve the stress. Don’t be surprised if your family and friends want to say something about it and they will probably give you all kind of advice on how to stop and what they’ve read. Nicely explain to them it is your decision and you’ll do what you think is best for your children. Try finding a support group in your area so you have someone to vent to or talk about these issues.
Remember that as long as you take proper care of yourself and your body, you’ll be able to safely breastfeed while pregnant.
Whether you just found out you’re pregnant or you’ve known for a few months, announcing your pregnancy to family and friends can be a lot of fun. Some may want to wait until a certain time during their pregnancy, while others want to call everyone immediately after finding out themselves.
Telling The Father
Have a romantic dinner for two with candle lights, it may be your last time for a while, between morning sickness and raising your little one. Serve up baby carrots, baby back ribs and anything else you can think as baby. At the end, pour apple juice instead of wine and hand him a present. Inside you can have a tiny baby bib that says, “I heart My Daddy” or a pair of baby booties.
If you can’t tell the father right away because he’s away on business, or deployed try sending him a care package. Inside the box place a few baby items, everything in blue and pink and a baby naming book in the center. Place a note on top of the book with, “I need a name soon, I’ll be here by June.” Or whenever the baby is due.
You can also see how long it takes him to figure it out. Go to the dollar store and pick up a bunch of small baby items, a bib, rattle, bottle, booties, etc. For a week, leave an item laying around the house where he is bound to find them. At the end of the week if he hasn’t figured it out yet, prepare the big gift. Have a large teddy bear sitting at the dinner table in the seat beside him, make sure there is a bib wrapped around him and maybe a sign that says Hi Daddy.
Telling Family and Friends
Show up to a family gathering wearing a shirt that announces your state. These days there are a ton of shirts out there with clever sayings, “Baby on Board,” “A Bun in the Oven,” or something related to the pregnancy. The moment you walk in or take off your jacket everyone will figure it out without you ever having to say a word. Now, get ready for the tears and excitement. You’ll be answering a ton of questions.
If you already have children you may want to call the grandparents up and tell them that the next Christmas they may want to add one more to the list.
If this is the first grandchild, you may want to get a bracelet link for your mom that reads, “#1 Grandma” or grandparent t-shirts. This will not only be a great present for them but something they will cherish and love forever.
No matter when you spread the news it can be a lot of fun, just think creative and let the pieces fall. You may even want to try catching all of it on video, so think ahead and prepare for the BIG moment, and I’m not meaning the birth.
How often do you think of family life as an adventure or delightful experience? If you and your children are having a good day, then you might buy into this idea. However, many of you are probably laughing hysterically now. What is delightful about the children fighting for the umpteenth time today? Sometimes I bet your family life feels like a jungle with screeching and swinging monkeys.
It can be all too easy to get caught up in trying to control what is happening in the home instead of enjoying what is. God blessed us with beautiful children and we are most in touch with that precious love when the house is quiet and we watch them peacefully sleeping. So how can we connect to that love and enjoyment in the midst of family life?
Spend Quality Time with your Children
Spending quality time with children requires your full and undivided attention. Oftentimes moms are so busy trying to manage everything that we have one ear to the children and our mind on a million other things. Our children talk to us and we say “uh huh” without really hearing them. We take them to their games, lessons, etc. but how much do we really interact with them? To be delighted by your children, you need to be fully connected to them. You need to listen and marvel at how truly wonderful they are. Participate in activities they love. Relish their laughter and their unique personalities. It won’t be long before your children are grown and gone from the house.
Understand Each Developmental Stage
To really enjoy your children, you need to understand who they are and what they are going through. The journey of a child to adulthood is filled with a multitude of changes. It is helpful to get inside your child’s shoes by learning about the various stages of development. For instance, the other day I stripped my 3-1/2 year to get him ready for his bath. I said, “Come on, it’s time for your bath.” He looked at me with the meanest face he could muster and said, “NO!” It is much easier to deal with the defiance if you know that a 3 year olds’ mission is to exert his independence. Here’s this little guy wanting to grow up and be independent, but he knows deep down, he is still dependent on mom, and he doesn’t like that. So I picked him up and held him in front of the mirror. He exercised his most defiant no over and over until he started laughing. Each stage of life, from infant to young adult, brings new behaviors and new growth. Educate yourself so you know what to expect from your child. Sometimes just understanding that your child is “normal” will help you relax as a mother.
Don’t Be Afraid to Discipline
No one likes being around an unruly child. Children with a lack of discipline make motherhood stressful and less than pleasurable. Our job as mothers is to raise respectful, productive and loving adults. In order to do this, we need to teach our children boundaries. They need to know what acceptable and unacceptable behavior is. You have to set limits and avoid setting up a child-centered family. Children need to understand they are a part of a family and each individual has their own needs. Help them work together with other family members to create a peaceful and loving environment. An effective and disciplined family unit is truly a wonderful adventure.
Be Intentional about Motherhood
What would make motherhood more enjoyable for you? Take the time to reflect on what needs to change in your family to increase the level of enjoyment for you. Be intentional about those changes. Maybe you want to make time to take care of yourself as a mother. Perhaps you long to be a more consistent parent. This month I am focusing on encouraging independence in my family. My motto is “everyone will do what they are capable of doing for themselves.” Not only does this teach my children valuable skills, it frees me from unnecessary responsibility and gives me more time to be with my family. Setting intentions help you create a life you love.
Keep a Positive Reflection Journal
How do you want to see your children and your family life? Do you want to see motherhood as challenging or delightful? If you focus on the undesirable aspects of your family, then that is the experience you will create. If however, you can concentrate on the positive qualities of your children and your journey, you will create a rewarding family life. At the end of every day, take the time to record in a journal all the positive things your children said or did that day. Reflect on all the fun you had that day. Notice the wonderful qualities of each person in your family. And on your bad days when you find yourself wondering why on earth you ever decided to have children, pull out your journal and remind yourself what a truly amazing journey you are on.
About the Author: Lori Radun, CEC - Certified Life Coach for moms. Lori writes a FREE monthly ezine for moms who want coaching and encouragement on living peaceful, balanced and fulfilling lives. To subscirbe, go to http://www.true2youlifecoaching.com.
Your Child’s Anger May Not Be What You Think It Is
Parenting today seems challenging and fraught with frustrations. Children are so much more vocal about expressing their angry feelings. If you’re a parent, how have you felt when your child bombards you with angry, argumentative words? Did you feel manipulated and controlled; thinking your child doesn’t care about your feelings and/or all the effort you put forth in his or her life? That’s how I used to feel, until I learned there’s usually something more going on beneath a child’s anger. Now, it’s much easier for me to remain calm when a child is upset with me. I want to share some thoughts and ideas about this.
When a child responds angrily to a parent’s message, that message has not gone to the thinking part of the child’s brain. No, it has not reached the front part of the brain that does logical, rational thinking and problem solving. It has actually traveled to the part of the brain dealing with emotions. Most people know this as the limbic system, which is located in the central part of the brain. I call this the lizard part of the brain because it has no thinking abilities whatsoever; it merely reacts.
Have you ever noticed how angry, upset children (and some adults) appear as irrational? They’re in the lizard part of their brain and can’t think straight. They’re not trying to control and manipulate you. What’s happening is something lying underneath the surface of their conscious mind. Underneath the anger is a feeling of fear. It’s totally unconscious so usually both parents and children are unaware of it. When a child becomes angry and moves toward a temper tantrum stage of feelings, what the child is non-verbally telling you is:
“I can’t think—I’m in the lizard part of my brain and I don’t know how to get out of it to the thinking part where I can talk you in a way that makes sense.”
“I need your help—I don’t know what to do; I’ve become so upset, I’ve regressed to about the age of 2 or 3.”
Would you expect a 2 year old to be able to sit down and have a rational, logical conversation with you? I don’t think so! And yet, that is the very thing many parents attempt to do when their child is angry and upset. Can you see the waste of energy that gets expended doing this?
What you as a parent can do to help your angry child is to remain calm. Think like a super nanny on the front lines of parenting. The first thing you have to do is to help your child move to the thinking part of his or her brain. To do this, calmly (and with no sarcasm)
1. Ask your child, “What part of your brain do you think you’re using right now, the lizard part or the thinking part?” if the answer is, “lizard part”, then ask,
2. Is that working for you? Are you getting what you want?” If your child tells you “no”, then go the next question,
3. “What do you need to do to get back to the thinking part of your brain?” If the child says, “I don’t know,” let him or her know you can see the shift has already happened because your child is answering your questions. This is a good thing!
4. If your child has calmed down a bit, ask if he or she needs some time to think about what just happened so you can talk about it together and come up with a way to handle the situation differently next time. If the child responds with a “no”, give a hug and say something like, “You are always so much nicer when you’re using the thinking part of your brain.” Then, walk away.
The next time, you’re faced with an angry child ask yourself two important questions before you respond:
1. What part of the brain is my child using right now?
2. At what age do I usually see these behaviors in a child
If your child is in the lizard part of the brain and acting like a toddler, this would not be a good time to talk. Get your child so he or she can think rationally, calm down and then go for the talk. You can’t talk to a toddler (or anyone else for that matter) when he’s upset. Help him calm down simply by acknowledging his angry feelings and be there with a smile and a hug (regardless of how you’re feeling). This is a small gesture and will pay big benefits for you down the road.
MaryLynne White
Can a Game Really Compel Any Child to Behave?
“How to Become a Super Nanny in Your Own Home!
Free Consumer Awareness Guide Shows You How…”
Your Child’s Anger May Not Be What You Think It Is
So your little Susie wants to join a competitive gymnastic club? You conclude that this is going to be great fun! Maybe, you even think this is just the ticket your bouncy little girl needs to get rid of her pent-up energy while meeting other little friends. Initially, all seems well as you proudly watch your Susie happily striving to achieve equilibrium success. However, as the first competitive trial draws near, Susie is apprehensive and fearful. She doesn’t appear quite as secure as she did during the training classes. Why not?
You’re thrilled! Your ten year old son Randy wants to play on the little league baseball team. You think this is perfect. He can learn the importance of being a team member while gaining some confidence participating in a sport that he enjoys. His father is delighted to see that his son is taking after the old block. Dad begins the push for his son’s success by providing daily pointers of the game. In the beginning, everything seems dandy until Randy starts to behave aggressively for unexplainable reasons. How come?
The school exams are only two months away. Your sixteen year old has been listening to you preach the virtues of being number one since school began countless years ago. I mean, after all, getting into the top-ranked university is important stuff. Your family’s reputation is at stake. Andrew is fully aware that he has to measure up in the Harvard family tree. The school year appears to go smoothly until Andy slumps into an apparent state of exhaustion. He barricades himself in a locked bedroom, refusing to get up to go to school or speak to anyone. What happened?
You’ve always love attending the ballet. You think it would be fabulous if your youngster took an interest in your passion. As a well-intentioned parent, you encourage your Sarah to take a few dance classes as a way of introducing her to classical repertoire. Over the course of time her interest grows and she appears to blossom under the guidance of the tutor’s instructions. This pleases you immensely which makes your budding ballerina work even harder for acquiring your continued praise. Within two years, however, you notice your daughter’s always argumentative and bites your head off when you question why. What did you do to deserve this?
It’s really quite simple but nobody wants to talk about this controversial subject. These youngsters are having a difficult time coping with the pressures they sustain from performance activities. How did this happen?
Unfortunately, too few parents recognize the dangers lurking in the wings for our children. I didn’t. We readily accept the insulting, reprimanding remarks by a teacher, the often foul-mouthed, screaming outbursts by a coach, and the demeaning, belittling comments made by instructors. Admittedly, we want to see our kids succeed in life, but at what cost? All too often, parents’ disregard the consequences of their well-meaning actions and many youngsters pay dearly to achieve our expectations. We fail to recognize that youngsters are not equipped emotionally or psychologically to contend with the daily bombardment of negative comments to their impressionable psyches. They are still too immature and therefore; ineffectively deal with the constant assault on their suggestible minds. They lack the ability to define what constitutes a winner or a loser. Their interpretation of this attainment is solely a reflection of their parents, educators, and instructors alike. Their vulnerability even extends to the media that dictates what is attractive, fashionable, and acceptable in our success driven society. Sad, but true.
As well-intentioned parents we want the best for our children. We conscientiously attempt to provide them with a variety of avenues to explore, academically, athletically, and in the arts. Many parents believe that competitive endeavors build character, focus, and determination. For others, performance activities may provide a vehicle for talented children to discover their self-worth in society. Additionally, some parents view performance activities as a venue for a potential career, i.e., hockey, acting, basketball, swimming, dancing, gymnastics, etc. However; if truth be known, many unwitting parents inadvertently set these kids off on a path of stress, insecurity, and low self-esteem, particularly when youngsters enter turbulent adolescence.
Even though chaotic adolescence can play havoc in a family’s life, it is not the sole culprit. The “pressures to perform” can play an equally significant role during this volatile period, affectionately referred to as “the insanity of adolescence”. It can account for initiating some real life issues such as bulimia, anorexia, depression, rage, drugs, cutting, and potential suicide.
How do I know these things? Because my family was a casualty in this war of pandemonium with a pressurized adolescent deeply committed to a highly competitive endeavor. We lived the nightmare many parents would like to avoid.
I’m going to ask you some questions. Think about them for a moment and answer them honestly:
1. How do some youngsters cope with the pressures they sustain from performance activities?
2. What are their deepest, darkest, fears?
3. What are some of the methods they may employ when dealing with their mounting adolescent insecurities?
4. Why do some talented kids feel like failures, regardless of their successes?
5. Have you ever considered that their rebellion, inappropriate behavior, and negative acting-out may stem from the pressures to perform?
6. Could the rage they exhibit be only symptomatic of a deeper frustration youngsters endure?
If you were able to answer any of these questions due to your insider knowledge of what I’m referring to; Bravo! You’re amongst a handful of enlightened parents that understand this new age dilemma. You’re fully aware of the negative repercussions that a family can encounter when an adolescent is confronted by the mounting pressures of performance activities. You’re part of a select group of parents that realize the today’s youngsters face personal challenges and societal issues that past generations rarely needed to address. A case in point would be the rise in eating disorders amongst girls in performance activities such as gymnastics, dance, and swimming.
It is estimated that up to sixty-two percent of females who participate in “appearance sports” such as gymnastics, figure skating, dancing, and diving are suffering from an active eating disorder. World-class gymnast Christy Henrich died after her struggle with anorexia and bulimia. In the late 1980s, Christy was 4’10″, weighing ninety pounds. After one of her competitions, she was told by a US gymnastics judge that she needed to lose weight if she hoped to make the 1988 Olympic team. In 1994, she died of multiple organ failure at twenty-two, weighing less than sixty pounds.
Lea Thompson, from the hit TV sitcom Caroline in the City, commented on eating disorders in the dance world today, recalling that during her days as a dancer, she was told by a theatre company that at 5’5″ tall and ninety-six pounds, she was too “stocky” to be considered.
If you don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, please visit my website at http://www.easytodownload.com/blind_eye_info.htm (no longer accessible) to find out more. And, don’t think for a minute that girls are exclusive to the pressures from performance activities. Here is a sampling of one heartfelt letter I received from one of my readers.
Dear Karen,
“My fifteen year old son was a star goalie on the local hockey team. Between the screaming insults by the parents in the stands and the inexcusable yelling by the coaches, my kid felt like a failure most of the time. After reading your book, a light went on in my head and I sat him down for a fatherly talk. I was stunned to discover how badly he felt about losing a “game” and letting his mother and me down. What I thought was just a little healthy competition was really tearing this kid up inside. Talk about a reality check. Needless to say, we followed your advice and gave him the choice to stay in or get out. He chose to stay, but with a very different attitude. Now, he’s doing this for himself, not for us or anyone else. Thanks a bunch for setting me straight.”
Bill
Fort Myers, Texas
I know that the subject matter in this article is a tough one to swallow; nevertheless, I also know that it’s important that you learn the truth about this modern day misconception.
As the mother of a stressed-out high achiever who spent nine years in highly competitive professional dance institutions, I consider myself an authority on this subject. As an unsuspecting (and well-intentioned)) parent, I was unaware that the combination of adolescent instability and the pressures within the dance environment sparked a ticking time-bomb with my volatile daughter as the detonator. I found it discomforting to consider that I may have unconsciously contributed to pushing the explosive button.
The world of competitive activities is not all that it’s cracked up to be and “success at all cost” may be too high a price to pay for undermining the psychological well-being of impressionable teens.
What happened to us can happen to any well-intentioned family with children who are pushed to perform in academics, the arts, or athletics.
About the Author:
A native of Boston Massachusetts this distinguished author writes under the pen name Karen Montgomery. She has written numerous fictional short stories and articles during her ten year career as a freelance writer.”Turn A Blind Eye” is Ms. Montgomery’s premier non-fiction book. Karen now lives with her family in a suburb outside of Toronto.
I have a reader who asked me a very serious question the other day. She has a grown daughter who at 24 years old lives in a messy, disorganized, smelly home. She has 2 young sons who are following in her footsteps. My reader wanted to know what I thought she could do about getting through to her daughter about the importance of keeping an organized home.
She also told me, as an intro to the above question, that when her daughter was a child and teenager living at home that my reader would go into her room while her daughter was at school and she would spend several hours in there cleaning it all out for her.
Well there’s the problem. One of the best things you can do for your child is to teach and train them to be organized and tidy themselves. It is not a basic instinct to clean up after oneself. It is a learned behavior.
You may think that you’re being mean by making your child clean up after themselves all the time. Perhaps you resented your own parents forcing you to clean out your closet or under your bed when you were perfectly happy with it the way it was. No matter what the reason is that you don’t make your child clean up after themselves I’m here to tell you that it is just a bad idea all the way around.
From the time your child is 2 years old you need to be making them clean up after themselves. Yes…2 years old. I used to sit on the floor in my boys messy rooms, or on the couch in the front room and I would point at just one item at a time and tell my kids to put it in the toy box, or on the lower shelf . One at a time each and every little toy got put away properly…and by my children.
I even did this with my 2 year old niece when she and her mother came to live with us for 6 months. My sister-in-law was shocked by the fact I could get her daughter to clean up after herself so quickly and completely.
As your child grows you need to continue to have them clean up after themselves. Always. You might feel as if it is so much easier for everyone involved if you just pick up after them yourself. But in the long run…is it really what’s best for your child?
Teach your child that they must not only clean up after themselves every day but that they can’t get a new project out to play with until they have put the old project and the related items or toys belonging to it away properly.
Also, you need to be sure that from about 7 or 8 years old on, once a month you come into their room with them, sit on the bed or floor and supervise a good deep down cleaning. By sitting there and having them clean out every little corner of their room, including their drawers, closet and under the bed, you are training them to know HOW to always do this when needed.
By having them do this once a month you are training them that this is normal behavior. Sure, when your child first moves out they may not do this. But after a year or two on their own, and when their home is dirty, dusty and a wreck, they know exactly how to tackle each room, systematically, and are able to clean up and organize in no time.
That’s where my reader went wrong. She never made her daughter clean up after herself. She never sat there and supervised her daughter doing a good deep cleaning out of her room. She just did the work for her. She admitted that she thought it was pretty self explanatory and that her daughter was busy enough.
Now she is perplexed as to why her daughter is a slob and why she is teaching her 2 sons to be slobs too. Probably because my reader taught her how to be that way by doing the work for her.
So, please remember that you are doing your child a great service by teaching and training them how to clean up after themselves. You are teaching them valuable and necessary skills to take into adulthood with them. How else will your child be expected to know how to clean out a room and how to keep it tidy and organized if you don’t teach them to do it as a child?
So, what was my advice to my reader? Honestly, I didn’t have a lot of good advice. In my eyes the damage is done. I told her I thought the best thing was to take her daughter out to lunch and tell her she felt she had done her a disservice by cleaning up after her all the time. I told her to point out to her daughter how messy her house is and that she feels like it is her fault. I told her to hand her a small stack of books on organization and books on quickly cleaning your home.
Will that work? I don’t know. But I do know that if my reader had taught and trained her daughter to clean out her own room after school then this woman would more than likely be a lot tidier and she would know that she needed to teach her own boys to be the same.
The author Kerry Flinders is the owner of Personal Organizing Solutions located in Southern California. Kerry and her company are dedicated to helping others organize their clutter and their lives, eliminating unnecessary stress and helping the client to find more time in their day for the things they love. Kerry is the author of the book “Organizing With NO Budget”. You can find sign up for Kerry’s Organizing Newsletter, or request her Organizing Tip-Pak by visiting her website at http://personalorganizingsolutions.com
The Financially Intelligent Parent: 8 Steps to Raising Successful, Generous, Responsible Children
What you say and do about money has a profound influence on your child. There are money moments every day that you can use to teach your children important skills and lessons about life. But what to say or do isn’t always obvious. Is it a good idea to pay for chores or grades? How do you help your child develop a work ethic? How do you structure an allowance to help your child learn to make choices? Why is involving your children in charity so important? Jon and Eileen Gallo, experts in the fields of children, psychology and money, provide parents with eight key behaviors that will help them raise financially responsible children:
1. Encourage a work ethic
Work ethic is a learned behavior, and parents are the best models to teach kids to acquire it. If you want your children to work hard and derive meaning and satisfaction from what they do, make sure you are modeling the right messages. Insisting your kids do their homework and help around the house does not guarantee they will grow up with a sense of accountability and a desire to achieve. Developing a work ethic in your child is a holistic process and the eight money behaviors of a financially intelligent parent are keys to this process.
2. Get your own money stories straight
Because you send your children messages about money all the time, it is imperative that both you and your spouse are on the same page when it comes to your money stories. A money story is an open, honest and personal story of your relationship with financial issues, especially as you grew up because most people’s relationship with money developed during childhood. You need to identify why you feel the way you do about money so you can send coherent and consistent messages to your kids. When both parents focus on their money stories, children receive positive messages. Getting your money stories straight does not just mean that you agree on basic issues such as allowances and college savings. It also means that both of you have agreed to identify certain basic money values you want to teach your children, such as giving is good, working hard is its own reward, and you don’t always get everything you want.
3. Facilitate financial reflection
As with most decisions kids make, when it comes to money decisions they are frequently impulsive. As a financially intelligent parent, you want to teach your children how to think in terms of choices, alternatives and consequences. This is called reflective thinking. Learning how to reflect both before and after making a decision is a great life skill, and one that is the hallmark of people who make good choices in everything from careers to relationships to investments. Financially intelligent parents teach their children to evaluate financial consequences based on available choices rather than making impulsive decisions. As a result, children recognize that there are many options available and they acquire the skill to make good choices.
4. Become a charitable family
By teaching your children that they can do more with money than spend it on themselves, you encourage them to become more compassionate and caring. By participating as a family in volunteer and community activities, you help your children develop empathy and a sense of responsibility to others. Your children will realize they have the power to make life better for others. Because children learn through modeling behavior, you have to do more than write a check to charity. You need to show your children what it means to help others. Modeling charitable behaviors, including volunteerism, can jump start your child’s empathy and desire to help others.
5. Teach financial literacy
Although it is important to teach children how to balance a checkbook and create a budget, to become truly financially literate your children must learn within a context of values and money behaviors. Your children need a combination of concrete examples, their own experiences and financial reflection. If they do not learn to behave responsibly with money as kids, they will have to learn as adults when the cost is much higher. One of the best tools to teach your children financial literacy is an allowance. Approaching allowances in a consistently constructive way allows you to instill decision-making wisdom in your children rather than controlling them. An allowance also helps your children gain a well-balanced perspective about money, encouraging saving, investing and giving, in addition to spending.
6. Awareness of the values you model
Your children are tuned in to your purchasing decisions. The ways you spend your money sends messages to your children about your values and life priorities. Children also notice how you spend your time and your actions can unintentionally send messages you did not intend your children to receive. When you miss opportunities to spend time with your children in order to put in extra hours at work or manage your money, you are sending a message that money is more important than family. Financially intelligent parents are highly conscious of their spending habits, as well as how they balance their work and family time, and the values they communicate.
7. Moderate extreme money tendencies
Extreme money tendencies can evolve into money disorders which cause chaos within your family and send the wrong messages to your children. There are several types of money disorders, ranging from excessive shopping to racking up credit card debt to excessive frugality. Regardless of the disorder, extreme money tendencies cause your children to experience confusion and insecurity in their lives. Financially intelligent parents learn to recognize and moderate extreme money behaviors.
8. Talking about the tough topics
Parents avoid talking about financial topics that make them uncomfortable or that seem too complicated. Although you model good money behaviors in certain ways, unless you compliment these behaviors with good money conversations, you are not being as effective as you could be. Financially intelligent parents recognize teachable times each day that give you and your children the opportunity to talk about financial issues. You should welcome these opportunities, as difficult as they are, to discuss and reflect on financial decisions.
About the Authors:
Eileen Gallo, Ph.D., and Jon Gallo, J.D. are experts on children, families and money, and the authors of The Financially Intelligent Parent: 8 Steps to Raising Successful, Generous, Responsible Children (New American Library/Penguin Group), and the critically-acclaimed book Silver Spoon Kids: How Successful Parents Raise Responsible Children (McGraw-Hill 2001). They are the principals of The Gallo Institute, a national organization offering education and counsel to families and financial advisors on the issues of families, children and money. For more financially intelligent parenting tips and tools, visit http://www.FIParent.com.
